I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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