i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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