apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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