my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
