I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
