whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
