i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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