i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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