morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
