i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
