you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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