Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
