I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
