Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
