I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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