And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
