how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
