Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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