upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Your penis caused this!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
