I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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