Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
