you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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