i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize