I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize