and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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