I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
