The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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