Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
