i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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