shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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