Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
