New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
