fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
