I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
