all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
