Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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