either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize