I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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