It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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