why didn't you poke me back
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
