im so drunk with asians
where?
always
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
