I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
