so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
