Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
