can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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