just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
