Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
