so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize