Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm at about main and main street
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
