Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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