i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
