I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
