I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize