I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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