if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
