I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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