The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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