I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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