Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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