Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
