i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
