i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize