I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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