It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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